I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
