you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
