So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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