woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
