I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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