matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
