My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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