please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
