I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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