He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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