Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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