you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
