She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
