my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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