i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
