Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
