Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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