Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
