Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize