I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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