I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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