My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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