The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
