I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
