You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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