the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you had me at cake vodka
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Sorry about my life...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
