I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
