Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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