We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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