why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You may now shotgun with the bride
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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