my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
