nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You took a bar mat shot.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Randomize
