I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize