Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
