I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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