I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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