Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
