and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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