So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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