And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
