Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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