Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
