Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
