my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
