Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
