I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
