he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
