we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
