i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
