i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You ruined the universe
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
