I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
