My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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