I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
