Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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