Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
