I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
