Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
